I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
