No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
