You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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