they said they heard you say put it in my butt
of course. lets lasso hookers.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Gay?
German.
Pity.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Randomize
