You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
