I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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