We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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