Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
