I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
