It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
