I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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