woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
