The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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