SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Randomize