Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
