I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
