Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
His hands were made for my vagina.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
