You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
