I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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