i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
