you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
