420 ftw
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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