I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
