we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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