I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize