I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
