OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
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