my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Randomize
