i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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