i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
The beer is more important than you right now.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
