Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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