he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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