Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
