at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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