Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize