I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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