Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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