I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
