"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
