I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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