I have demons in me.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Randomize
