I think I won the penis lottery.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
