So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
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