Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
My bed smells like the plague
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
