i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
