K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
