Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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