I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
