your room smells of hookers.
And success
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
