Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
