Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
