Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
