I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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