Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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