I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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