it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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