she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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