You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
