Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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